I didn't want to come back, but I needed to. I'm so lost.
I don't really know what to say - a quick rundown? I'm... a weight that doesn't bear thinking about (although I've lost 10lbs in less than a week, just there; more on that later). I genuinely don't think I've ever been bigger. Even in the height of the purely binge-eating behaviour when I was... 10/11. I mean, I know I didn't hit 5'9" until like, age 14, but still. I seem to spend a week of eating literally nothing, or just drinking fanta zero and slim-a-soup, then a week of eating upwards of 10,000kcal a day minimum and purging about 50-60% of it, usually in three-hour-long b/p sessions (with two or three 'cycles' per session), and then a week of just straight up overeating. Although, I'm so fat that I can eat 3,000kcal a day and maintain, now. In fact, I ate 3,500-4000 a day for nearly six weeks and I only gained two pounds.
Rinse, repeat.
So it's really not a surprise that when my parents left and the anorexic-type behaviours kicked in - as they tend to do when my family aren't home (I even exercise) - that I lost 10lbs in about four days. Living off two litres of fanta zero (less than 50kcal - I can't STAND diet cola, only drink it if I must - somehow fanta zero lemon is 'safe' and orange is something I start panic-attacking over (yes that's a verb)) and two servings of 55kcal cup-a-soups will do that to you if you're a mountain a la moi.
And then, for the first time in a while, my shit turned to bottywater. Like actually, constant clenching. Excuse the vulgarity, but it's like having semen run out your ass if somebody cums up there. That's all I can liken it to. It's disgusting. As I'm sure a lot of you will know. So I ate an egg. Y'know. To solidify my shit. Literally. But then...
Repeat six times.
Then cereal.
Then I ordered chips.
Then pizza.
Then another pizza.
Then garlic wedges.
Six magnum ice-creams.
Strawberries which had been out of date for a week.
Quorn sausages.
Beans.
Beans.
Four more cans of beans.
Fucking beans.
I hate beans.
Why do I even eat beans.
More cereal.
Milk is finished, so-
Cheerios with orange juice. It's as disgusting as it sounds.
Sugar. Straight from bowl.
Salt. Handfuls of it.
Salt and sugar mixed together. It's actually good.
Seriously. All that shit fits in my stomach now.
Involuntary vomit.
Voluntary vomit, but only a little.
Pass out.
Wake up in severe pain; can't purge.
For some reason I didn't touch the chocolate or crisps, honestly don't actually know why. Note to parents: don't leave a bulimic (I'm still not technically a run-of-the-mill bulimic, that's the hilarious thing) £200 to feed herself for two weeks. GONE IN A NIGHT.
Miraculously, by the by... although the above bingefest is extreme, even for me, that sort of thing does happen with alarming regularity. I don't remember ever resorting to eating meat. I might be a fat bulimic but I'm a fat bulimic with principles, goddamnit!
All the while this has been happening, I've been scouring the internet for pictures of ever-thinner women, girls, men and boys. I've had full-blown panic attacks immediately on waking, upon remembering the previous days' feasts, just to re-enact the bitter drama in the next few hours. I've been by turns jubilant, suicidal, terrified, elated, crushingly anxious, cripplingly paranoid and for a few precious moments entirely void, all at the hands of this disease I'm so fucking in love with.
In other news: I turned eighteen (yay!), I cut a lot (bah) - on my arms (boo!), I'm single (meh), I still smoke a lot (okay?), I own an exercise bike (yay!) - from the seventies (wat.) and I dyed my hair a stupid colour (turquoise) and it looks good (honestly) but I'm going to dye it back ginger (aww) because it's too expensive (ooh. Fair beans then. (WhydoIkeeptalkingaboutbeansIfuckinghateBEANS))
Dying my hair has actually been good for me. It's lead me to discover a slice of an identity which isn't entirely wrapped up in an eating disorder. I'm not a blue person; I'm red. Very, very red.
Game of Thrones is pretty great.
Tumblr is my new obsession, but it's linked to The Real Life so you can't have it. Not that many people will care, of course. If any of you are still here.
...hello?
I don't have time to catch up on what's been happening over the last few months, so if there are any seriously significant things which I absolutely must know to make sense of you and/or anything you have to say, please tell me and I'll go and stalk you. Otherwise I'll try to pick up from where I left off, seven months ago (to the day). I've been dropping in and reading tidbits but aye.
K xxx
